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An Excerpt From: REDIAL 1-800-SEX4YOU
Copyright © CHRIS TANGLEN & MICHELE
R. BARDSLEY, 2005.
All Rights Reserved, Ellora's Cave Publishing,
Inc.
As the door opened, my stomach did this weird thing
where it was sort of bouncing and twisting at the same time, I was
terrified that I would start sweating in a most profuse and unattractive
manner, I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to get it up and my
disgrace would be a legendary tale in the annals of 1-800-SEX4YOU history.
(“Hey, remember that doofus whose penis remained
shamefully flaccid? Hee hee
hee hee hee!”)
I was kinda nervous.
A little-known fact that you won’t find in any textbooks
is that if you go without sex for three years, your virginity is restored.
So I’d been a born-again virgin for, oh, about eight weeks now, which I’m
sure is what accounted for my stomach’s energetic gymnastics routine.
Before that, I’d only been with one woman. The woman.
My wife, Tara. We met at fifteen, fell in love at seventeen, got married at
nineteen and had six amazing years together.
I wish I could say that she left me, or that I came home
from work early one day to find her in bed with my best friend and/or his
brother. But that’s not what happened.
She died. Cancer. The doctors gave her six months, but
we only got four. She didn’t even get to see our daughter’s first birthday.
Don’t worry, we’ll get back to
my comical impotence anxiety in a moment. I just need to explain the source
of it. This won’t be a bummer story, I promise! After all, you already know
that I end up on a bed wearing nothing but a half-hood, right?
Anyway, I was so devastated by my loss that if it
weren’t for my daughter Melissa, I’m not sure what I would have done. What
I did do was throw myself entirely into being Super Dad, soothing a crying
baby and changing poopy diapers with superhuman
skill. I would have given anything not to have to raise her alone, but I
can say with no false pride that I was damn good as a single dad.
Interesting Sidenote—A
single dad pushing a stroller through a park is an absolute babe magnet. A
single dad who struggles not to break into tears when explaining that his
wife passed away could probably be naked and thrusting away within ten
minutes or so. Of course, I was such an emotional wreck that I didn’t even
realize this until my friend Howard pointed it out, using the word “pussy”
more times than was polite.
For three years I raised my daughter and worked at my
job on a construction crew, a job that I loved. I could never handle
sitting at a desk all day. This kept me outside and allowed me to get
plenty of exercise, which kept me in good shape despite some poor eating
habits that had developed since Tara’s
death. It didn’t help that Melissa always saved me half of a cookie from
day care.
Three years of no sex.
Honestly, it didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t looking
to replace Tara and I was too busy for a
relationship anyway. I had no problems satisfying my own sexual needs in
the shower, especially since I’m ambidextrous.
The day before my thirtieth birthday, my friend Jennifer
came to visit. She’d been Tara’s best
friend since the two of them were eight, and we’d always gotten along
really well. Our friendship had strengthened after Tara
died. Nothing romantic, of course (Jennifer had a husband and two kids) but
we’d shared a lot of tears together and genuinely enjoyed each other’s
company.
She seemed really nervous.
“Hi,” she said. “Happy birthday!”
“You’re a day early.”
“I know. But I brought you your present!”
“Where is it?”
“Let’s sit down.”
We walked into the living room and sat down on the
couch. Jennifer, an admittedly striking blonde, crossed her thin legs and
smiled at me. “Feeling old yet?”
“Nah. Thirty is no big deal.”
“Remind me of that when I’m sobbing next month. So, Jeff
and I were talking, and you know, you haven’t dated since Tara
died.”
“I do know that.”
“She wouldn’t want that. She’d want you to move on with
your life. In fact, she’d probably kick my ass if she knew I let you go
this long without trying to meet somebody new.”
I had a horrifying feeling that I could see where this
was going. “Please tell me you didn’t set me up on a blind date.”
“No…not exactly.”
“What havoc have you wreaked with my life, Jennifer?”
“No havoc. Have you heard of 1-800-SEX4YOU?”
CLOSE WINDOW
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