An interesting thing happens when you type “vagina” into one of those internet translators. You learn that the word is pretty much the same in Spanish, French, German, Dutch, Italian, Portuguese and Russian. Dictionaries tell us it comes from the Latin word for “sheath,” which apparently refers to its sexual function from the male point of view. And indeed, most of them cite a secondary definition as a sheath-like structure. But the primary definition is considerably more feminine (and clinical), defining it as a canal or passage that connects the vulva to the cervix. We like “canal.” Let’s try it in a sentence: “One smoldering look from the dark, dangerous sailor flooded her canal.” Okay, maybe only for a pirate historical. The Swedish word for vagina has some potential, though: “slida.” It conjures up images of slippery fun.

--Susan Edwards

Our nomination for the sexiest guy this month:

Jean Claude VanDamme

     Okay, we know the Muscles from Brussels hasn’t put out a movie in more than 10 years, so a lot of you younger dollies might not even know him. But we just saw him in Time Cop recently, and it reminded us what a macho but soulful little dude he was. At 5’10” with a seriously ripped body, he has that special, tough-guy strut of someone who got picked on when he was young and who takes no shit from anybody now that he’s got muscles and martial arts on his side. Sure enough, he started taking martial arts classes at age 11 and became European Middleweight Kickboxing Championship in 1980. He also studied ballet for several years, which gives him a grace that a lot of other body-building tough guys lack. Plus, he’s smart; he speaks five languages, and rumor has it that Mortal Kombat character Johnny Cage was modeled on Jean-Claude and some of his trademark moves.

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME Belgian Actor with friend name unknown. Jerzy Dabrowski Celebrity Archive

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A Love of Gloves

     Although it doesn’t appear to have one of those fancy Latin names, a sexual attraction to gloves is a true fetish, that is an inanimate object that arouses sexual feelings.

     Before jumping straight to the kinky edge of glove fetishes, let us first consider the fashion glove.

     It’s no secret that sexual allure lies more in what is partially revealed than what is nakedly displayed. The sight of a delicate wrist peeking out from a lacy dress glove was enough to give a healthy man an erection in days of yore when women hid more body parts than they showed. Strippers have long teased horny hoards by slowly removing elbow-length evening gloves.

     And isn’t there something just a little homoerotic about a scene in which one man challenges another to a duel by slapping his face with a pair of gloves?

     It’s not just men who are turned on by gloves. There’s something sexy and slightly dangerous about a man in black leather gloves. Lots of women grow dewy at the sight of a strong man-hand sheathed in driving gloves or sports gloves with the fingers cut off.

     Out on the kinky fringe, the snap of a Latex medical glove is enough to send some masochists right over the cliff into an orgasm canyon, and others get their freak on by doing all sorts of stuff to themselves and each other with those heavy rubber cleaning gloves.

--Susan Edwards

Dear Empress:
I’ve heard you hail from Down Under. Australian men always seem so macho in ads and programs on American television. How would you rate them as lovers and how do you think they compare with American men?
Just Curious

Dear Curious:
Sunshine, the saying “never ask a PR man for the truth” exists for a reason. Insert “ad man” instead and it still holds true. Sure, plenty of Aussie blokes are bronzed gods. Some even know what a clitoris is. But there are just as many who make a shrimp on the barbie look like a bloody whale. If you get my drift …
Don’t pine for what you don’t have. Somewhere out there is a lovely Yank just waiting to throw himself at your feet. If he’s a bit slow, kick him in the nuts till he drops.

Your Highness:
My dh has discovered Viagra and now he’s chasing me around the house, pawing me night and day. He’s proud of his newfound virility and I admit that I enjoy all the attention he’s paying me. But my sex drive has decreased over the years and I don’t want sex more than once or twice a month. Is there anything like Viagra for women?
Tired

Dear Tired:
I’ve certainly heard of herbal aphrodisiacs. Along the lines of horny goat weed, etc. But as you already have a horny goat in the house, I doubt you want to be the same. But don’t despair. I think there’s a way we can re-direct your dh’s enthusiasm. (Short of the “Bobbit Method” I mean.)
Simply tell your dh that nothing turns you on more than seeing a “Real Man” (don’t worry, he’ll fall for it), cooking and doing housework. Yes, you’ll have to have sex with him but won’t it be worth it once he’s prepared dinner, done the dishes, vacuumed and mopped the floors? Heck, you’ll have so much spare time and extra energy that you’ll be popping down the local “Adult Emporium” for toys and DVDs. Remember, men are visual so keep it simple. Come to think of it, men are simple so keep it visual.

Dear Empress:
I’m crazy about my new bf but one thing he does turns me off—especially in bed. He talks baby talk to me. How can I get him to talk like a big boy?
Nobody’s Widdle Bunny Wunny

Dear Bunny:
Bloody hell, I was gagging just reading your letter. My first response is that you should vomit (preferably on his penis), whenever he spouts such drivel. However, you’d probably get stuck with the extra laundry so let’s not go there. Why don’t you return the favor, simply chat about his “cutesy-wootsy dicky-wicky.” I’d offer more suggestions but my gorge is rising as I type.

Hot Drinks for Cool Nights

     October is my favorite month. The glorious cool, crisp days; the golden, glittering trees. The smell of pumpkin and cinnamon.

     And best of all, costume parties where other people do what Hot Mama does pretty much all year round: dress outrageously and have thrillingly anonymous sexual encounters in odd places with masked strangers. (There is something so liberating about knowing that no one knows who you are or will be able to identify you later.)

     Rum is my autumn drink of choice. It goes perfectly with the other flavors of fall, and is especially simpatico in warm, sweet drinks—the best thing on a cool autumn night. Don’t buy that awful dark spiced stuff. Get yourself some decent gold or red rum—Appleton or Mount Gay—both are readily available and not at all expensive. You can use regular sugar, but I recommend raw cane or turbinado. Both are brown and have a deep, rich flavor that goes especially well with rum. Probably because they both come from sugar cane.

Rum Cozy
(per serving)
1 cup milk
2-3 teaspoons sugar
1 shot of rum
nutmeg
Heat the milk and sugar together, stirring until sugar is melted and milk is hot but not boiling. Pour into mug, add rum, stir, and grate a dusting of fresh nutmeg on top. If you want to really get fancy, top with whipped cream first and then dust with nutmeg.

Hot Buttered Rum
(per serving)
1 cup water
2-3 teaspoons of turbinado sugar
1 shot of rum
½ teaspoon of butter
cinnamon
Put butter in bottom of mug. Heat water and sugar, stirring to dissolve. Bring to boil and pour into mug. Add rum and stir. Sprinkle with cinnamon and serve.

Hot Spiced Cider
(per serving)
1 cup fresh apple cider
1 shot of rum
cinnamon stick
dash of nutmeg
Heat cider, add rum, sprinkle with nutmeg and serve with cinnamon stick.

FINDING THE PHANTOM G-SPOT
From zero to multiple orgasms in 10 minutes flat
by Titania Ladley

     Is there really such a thing as a G-spot? If so, exactly what is it and—more important—how the heck do you find and press that legendary magic button so you can reach new heights of pleasure? I decided to settle the matter once and for all for the betterment of all womankind.

     Being a nurse in my other life, I dragged out all my textbooks to dispel your doubts with a clear definition and proof-positive evidence that the G-spot does exist, based on medical fact.

     So much for good intentions.

     What I found was … nothing. Though it’s a popular topic with sexperts, it seems that no one in the general medical community acknowledges the G-spot. So how are you supposed to believe it even exists? All those myths of having mega-intense or multiple orgasms can’t be true. That happens only in porn movies and spicy romance novels, right? Uh … wrong.

     It’s true, though, The Mighty G, can be something of a phantom for many women. Hesitant believers might be wishy-washy about it. One split second during penetration, you could swear it’s there somewhere just out of reach. The next second, frustration sets in and you’ve lost the whole possibility of having even one mediocre orgasm. So you vow to give up on the search just so you can experience and savor one blessed moment of bliss.

     Well, how about trying for not one, but two or three or more? I decided to go the empirical route and experiment with different ways to reach the G—all for your benefit, of course. What I discovered was heaven, believe me. Multiple orgasms are possible once you locate that elusive G. Oh, I don’t mean multiple as in, crashing orgasms one after another without stopping. Even better, I refer to one full, mind-blowing orgasm, rest, another, rest, another … and so on.

     It’s important to start your exploration in a fully aroused state. Your man must be erect—or your lover must have her dildo strapped on—and you must be wet and ready for penetration. I’m not going to instruct you on how to get your partner hard (or yourself wet). I have mucho faith in you. You can handle that part all on your own. Uh-uh-uh, now remember, no penetration until you’re both so turned on the lights are flickering.

     Begin in the good old-fashioned missionary position. (Yeah, some feel it’s a boring position, but you just wait.) Have your partner position himself over you between your legs with his knees planted on the mattress and slightly spread like a frog. Instruct him to slowly enter you, but he must understand he can’t move at all once he’s buried inside. Ah, and making him stay this way while you do your thing will get him really hot.

     The G is definitely on the front wall of the vagina, the area closest to your abdomen; that I can vouch for. If your man has a slightly curved cock, this will facilitate your G-spot search even more because the tip will be rubbing more directly on your front vaginal wall. If not, he should tighten his ass muscles and tip his pelvis upward in order to better stimulate the front wall.

     You may have heard the G-spot is about two to three inches inside the vagina. I say not necessarily true. That’s like insisting all women’s vaginas are six inches deep. But it is on the front wall, so we’ve at least narrowed things down.

     With that in mind, it’s time to start your exploration. Again, instruct your partner to remain as still as possible with his erection poised inside you (and his pelvis angled upward if his cock is arrow-straight). Slide your hands under his arms and hook them over the backside of his shoulders or biceps, whichever gives you the most comfort and leverage. It’s best not to plant your feet on the bed but instead fold your legs up and back so they’re positioned on either side of his hips and waist. This will allow you to pump your legs and use them as momentum when you begin rocking.

     Tip your pelvis up so that your stomach is drawn back and away from your partner’s, and your ass tucked upward toward him. Begin to slowly stroke him with your pussy while he remains statue-still. I insist on slow because this will allow you to narrow down and locate the area without all the distraction of both of you bucking and fucking.

     At this step of the experiment, you’re probably asking, “What am I looking for?” The answer is simple: That same jolting sensation you get when your clitoris is first touched, only you’ll feel it more internally. Just like all ghosts, the G-spot can be elusive. Don’t give up if you don’t find it immediately because once you do, you will know it! Woo hoo!

     Okay, now strap yourself in for the upcoming joyride. After you’ve found the spot, caught your breath, and gotten over all that gasping and pre-orgasmic panting—SQUEEZE. Tighten those Kegel muscles (you know, the ones you stop your pee with?) and begin rocking in very short, quick strokes so that the tip of his penis (or her strap-on) is flicking over Miss G, just like you might rub your finger over your little clit during masturbation.

     Is he trying to move now and stroke himself off? Yeah, I know. At this point, you’ve totally driven your partner wild by forcing him to remain immobile while you go about your search. But you’re almost to the gates of Orgasm Number One, so be firm. He must keep as still as possible until you’ve decided you’ve had enough orgasms. So keep squeezing, keep short-stroking over that inner “clit,” and don’t let up.

     Wowza! There’s Number One. See? You found and thoroughly enjoyed the secret joy button that the medical community has yet to acknowledge!

     But you’re not done yet …

     Want to go for Number Two or Three or Four or…? Well, I think you get the picture. Take a few breaths and rest if you need to, but have some pity on your partner. Don’t wait too long. Repeat, repeat, repeat until your abs are maxed, or he’s about to blow. Yes, even though your partner’s forced to give you full reign over his cock, don’t be surprised if he eventually orgasms without so much as one voluntary stroke inside you. But once you get this G-spot trick down, you’ll be snapping them off like firecrackers. You can even claim one last orgasm—or maybe even two—before he loses that erection. Hmm, which is yummy because you’re extra lubed.

     You know the old saying, practice makes perfect? You can work your way up during different lovemaking sessions from first two, to three, four, maybe even to 10. Really! No kidding. So what are you waiting for? Go for it. You deserve those multiples in ten minutes flat. And the elusive Miss G is no longer a phantom. She’s a friend you visit regularly.

Titania Ladley is a Romantica ™ author, freelance writer, and registered nurse living in the upper Midwest with her husband and three kids. For information on her latest scorching-hot releases, please visit www.TitaniaLadleyRomance.com or www.EllorasCave.com.